


The Cyclone Files

by frankie_felony (dextrosinistral)



Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe
Genre: Accidental Seriousness, Birthday Sex, Capsicoul - Freeform, Clint and Darcy are bros, Clint and Pizza Dog are bros, Clint and Steve are bros, Clint gets his dating tips from 1950's magazines, Clint is everyone's bro, Clint really likes wearing eyeliner, Coulson and Thor are bros, Crack, Crack!Ships, Darcy Is A Bit Taser-Happy, Dating Is Serious Business, Everyone Is Poly Because Avengers, Exhibitionism, F/F, F/M, Gen, Het, I have no shame, M/M, Nobody Turns Captain America Down, Office Seduction, Other, Pre-Slash, Prompt Fic, RPF, Slash, Slightly-Less-Unresolved Sexual Tension, Thor Needs Anger Management Classes, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Voyeurism, bad guy Coulson, cynical!Steve, hail HYDRA, heroically decent!Steve, jealous!Coulson, minion!fic, ship all the things, suspicious cake, tawg is such an enabler
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-29
Updated: 2012-11-03
Packaged: 2017-11-17 08:00:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 6,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/549340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dextrosinistral/pseuds/frankie_felony
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What are you supposed to do during a hurricane besides ask people for prompts and write them short!fic?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Clint & Darcy bother Coulson with the "ARE WE THERE" skit on a sekrit mission to somewhere-ending-in-stan

**Author's Note:**

> So, with Sandy looming and basically everything ever shut down, I have pretty much nothing to do. So I asked my friends to prompt me things to write short!fic for, and filled those prompts over the next three days.
> 
> My goal with these was and is to fill each prompt in one sitting and fewer than 750 words and to write something that my prompter would like. To each of those ends I was at least mostly successful.
> 
> There are a few people who constantly enable me and egg me on whenever I get ideas, and as much as I whine about it on twitter, I really can't thank them (or enable them back) enough. They didn't let me down this time, either. So, many thanks to [tawg](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tawg), [Mikey](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mikes_grrl/pseuds/Mikey), [selenay](http://archiveofourown.org/users/selenay), and [candesgirl](http://archiveofourown.org/users/candesgirl) \-- you are all lovely!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from my girl Casey.
> 
> Prompt: Clint & Darcy bothering Coulson with the "ARE WE THERE" skit on a sekrit mission to somewhere-ending-in-stan

"Are we there yet?" Darcy calls over to Coulson.

"Say again?" Coulson shouts over the sound of the engines.

"I said, 'Are we there yet?!'" she shouts back, giggling. Clint joins in on the question, unable to stop himself.

"Barton, what was the agreement we made in New Mexico?"

Clint sighs. "I don't get to ask if we're there yet or you get to take me out with a paperclip." He looks at Darcy. "Your Taser might protect you, but it won't protect me. Doesn't mean  _you_  should stop asking, though." He winks and goes back to staring forlornly across the aeroplane at Coulson.

"Oh my god, Clint, could you be more obvious?"

"What?"

"There is no way he doesn't know you have a giant raging crush on him."

"I do not!" he retorts. "It would be unprofessional, and you know he's the epitome of unflappable professionalism. Besides, even if it wouldn't be unprofessional, he'd never be interested. And it would ruin his reputation."

"Um, Clint? Every point you just tried to make was about him, not yourself. You so do have a giant raging crush."

"Fine. Maybe I do. There's nothing I can do about it anyway," he says, slumping in his seat.

"Whatever, I'll see what I can do."

"No, don't mention it or do anything about it. But do keep annoying him?"

"That, I can do." Darcy laughs, and launches into a round of '99 Bottles of Beer'.

Coulson sighs and turns his attention to the report in his hands. They haven't even gotten to their destination to begin this assignment. He resolutely tells himself that he can't kill either one of them until they're back in New York.


	2. Capsicoul; Steve walks in on Phil and Clint in a compromising position, gets wrong idea, pouts.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [Mikey](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mikes_grrl/pseuds/Mikey).
> 
> Prompt: Capsicoul! Steve walks in on Phil and Clint (or Nat) in compromising position, gets wrong idea, pouts.

"So this is really awkward," he says conversationally, trying to ignore that he is way too much into Coulson's personal space.

"It would be a lot less awkward if you wouldn't talk," Coulson replies drily.

"It would be _even less_ awkward if you wouldn't insist that I go through these bizarre training situations. Like you're ever actually going to be kidnapped and suspended over a vat of acid or a bed of spikes or whatever, thus forcing me to have to climb down this heavyweight chain to save your ass," Clint snorts.

"Don't underestimate the number of stupid plans our detractors will come up with, Barton. Now will you get that knot untied? I'm beginning to lose feeling in my fingers."

"I'm working on it!" Clint pulls at the knot, trying to figure it out without looking. It's awfully weird, pretending to rescue his handler. Even weirder that in order to actually get the knots undone, he has to basically drape himself all over Coulson and do all of this without getting to see what they look like.

Part of him thinks that doing this with Natasha would be pretty fun (but then, sex with her is always fun), but he pushes that thought aside. He reminds himself that he can't get distracted if they're really in the field, or someone might die. If he gets distracted here, one of them might end up concussed, but he's also fairly sure that Coulson will kill him for it.

He manages to get the knots undone, but it doesn't exactly go as planned. They end up tangled in the chain, and Clint almost drops them both, and somehow by the time it's all over with he has a handful of Coulson's ass. "Sorry, sir," he mumbles, trying to figure out how to move his hands without actually dropping either of them.

"Just drop us," Coulson grits out. He'll never admit it, but he doesn't mind the inappropriate hand placement as much as he should. He does wish they belonged to someone else. Clint lets loose from the rope, lets them fall the few feet to the mat, and rolls to catch them as they hit.

"Wouldn't want you getting a concussion, sir," he says and groans, trying to stretch his legs while he waits for Coulson to get up. He seems to suddenly realise that he's still hanging onto Coulson unprofessionally and pulls his hands away. "Apologies if this is going too far, but... nice ass. And I mean that in the most professional way possible this time."

Coulson laughs, the oddity of this exercise fully hitting him. "A concussion would be the least of our worries right now. I know you too well for that." He gets up, tucking his shirt back in and adjusting his tie, and hopes that the wrinkles won't be too noticeable. He glances over to the clock above the doorway and frowns when he sees Captain Rogers on the other side, watching them with a peculiar expression.

He goes to the door and opens it, "Can we help you, Captain?"

Behind him, Clint calls, "No, no Avengers business! Say it ain't so!"

"It's not," Steve says. He's still giving Coulson a strained look. "I need to speak with Agent Coulson." His voice is a bit tight. Coulson isn't quite sure, but he thinks that Rogers is about to get into a mood.

"My office, Rogers," Coulson says, and walks past him. The trek back to his office is silent, and it's not until they step inside and Steve shuts the door that Coulson turns and looks at him. "What is it?"

"Is that really an acceptable use of work time?"

"I don't follow."

"It's not my business if you're going to fraternise, but—"

"Ex _cuse_ me?"

"You and Barton."

"That was only one time."

"What?"

"Nothing. The point, Captain Rogers, is that Barton and I are not currently fraternising. You happened upon the end of a very awkward hostage-rescue training scenario. I will be happy to show you the paperwork, if it will make you stop sulking."

"No, you don't have to."

Coulson tilts his head and fixes Steve with a look. "Then what will get you to stop sulking?"


	3. Phil/Clint, shipwrecked on a tropical island

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [Selenay](http://archiveofourown.org/users/selenay).
> 
> Prompt: Phil/Clint, shipwrecked on a tropical island. Phil's poor suits... :D

"How did we even _get_ here?" Clint shouts, as if that will change their situation.

"A Hydra taskforce attacked us," Phil says calmly. "We were lucky to escape."

"But weren't we supposed to be somewhere _colder_?!"

"Where we were going is classified." Phil watches as Clint unceremoniously sheds his jacket and shirt and drops them onto the ground at their feet. "I wouldn't advise removing your trousers unless you happen to have seen shelter from the sun. I can't imagine that getting sunburned would be particularly comfortable."

"Yeah, well, in case you hadn't noticed, we're kind of soaked in seawater. I'm going to get a rash that would be even more uncomfortable than a sunburn would be." Clint turns to face Phil, unbuttoning his trousers. "I can't imagine you're too comfortable, in your damp regulation-issue suit."

"I'll dry." He does take off his jacket, though, and rolls up his sleeves.

"So, you think there are people around here?"

"I rather doubt it. We should find somewhere to wait to be picked up."

Clint gives him an odd look. "How are they going to know to pick us up? We don't exactly have—oh, you're all prepared for everything with your phone in a dry bag, aren't you?"

"We were on a boat, Clint. Of course I packed a dry bag."

He stops with the buttons on his trousers and pulls at Phil's tie instead. "You always think of everything."

"I strive to be prepared for any situation."

"In that case, you think you could wait a little while before you call for our rescue?"

"I think that can be arranged."

 

When they finally get picked up several hours later, Agent Hill gives them dry scrubs and the courtesy of not mentioning Phil's ruined suit or the unusual bruises they've picked up since that morning.


	4. Steve Rogers learns to be less naive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from my friend Leni
> 
> Prompt: Steve Rogers learns to be less naïve

When he wakes up, after he gets used to the fact that he's living in a time pretty far removed from his own, Steve figures that the world will be a different, better place. They hadn't gone to war for nothing, after all.

Then he learns that they're still fighting an enemy, in a slightly different place, but it's still war, even if they're not calling it that. And that so many people are still at least as badly off as they were before. He doesn't understand how he could be given money supposedly earned while he was frozen, so he anonymously donates it wherever he can.

He shares all of this one day with Bruce, in a quiet moment when they're the only two up, and Bruce just laughs sadly. "The world is still a pretty fucked-up place, Cap," he says. "Every time you think it's going to get better, it doesn't."

Steve reflects on this for a while, and in the end determines that New York, at least, is still more or less the same place, only with more neon lights and entitled college graduates. He has a feeling that the rest of the world looks like this, too.

He remembered when he thought that being Captain America would make a difference. When even the war-torn places he'd been were hopeful. When he'd made a promise to a clever, beautiful woman. When the world had seemed to have so much potential.

Now, he's not so sure about that.


	5. Clint's advice on the prospect of Darcy/Steve romancing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [Kitrazzle](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitrazzle).
> 
> Prompt: Clint's advice on the prospect of Darcy/Steve romancing

"I would say, 'Don't do it!' but I'm pretty sure it's too late for that, so don't tase him."

"You're kidding, right? Do you know how far to hell I would go if I tased Captain America?"

"Good. You should keep that in mind. And don't go too hard on him at first. He's just a kid."

"I'm pretty sure he's man enough for me." Darcy waggles her eyebrows, grinning at Clint's expression. "And, come on, he's been through a _war_ , you can't tell me that he can't handle a little flirting."

"Obviously you don't know him that well," Clint sighs. "He's _clueless_ , Darc. He's probably not even going to know you're flirting, and even if he does, I'm not sure he's going to know what to do about it."

"I can work around that."

He rolls his eyes. "Look, just. Be careful. We can't be friends if you break Captain America's heart, okay? You're awesome, but I have to pick my team over you if it comes down to it: They're kind of my professional life, after all, and I really can't afford to have to attempt to find something somewhere else." He pulls her into a one-armed hug. "I mean, I think you're his type, so he might be interested, but don't do anything stupid."

"Look, I already promised not to tase him. Unless he really, really deserves it. And, bonus, I can catch him up on all the best internet memes."

"Do. Not. Please. Don't. Don't do it. That's an even worse idea than tasing him."

"Jeez, all right, fine! Don't tase him, don't break his heart, don't show him anything on the internet. I got this."

"For more than just your sake, I certainly hope so."


	6. Clint and Steve talk about Coulson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [tawg](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tawg).
> 
> Prompt: Clint and Steve talking about Coulson

Steve stops in the kitchen doorway when he sees Clint sitting rather morosely at the kitchen table. He's about to turn and go back when Clint looks up and sees him, so he smiles faintly and goes for a cup of coffee. "Surprised anyone else is up," he says casually, leaning against the counter.

Clint shrugs, looking back at his own cup. "I can't sleep."

"Something wrong?"

"I'm kind of worried about Coulson, I guess." He wishes that he could talk to someone without being so vague, but nobody really knows about them.

"This is a little extreme for 'kind of worried', you know."

That earns him a short, pointed glare. "Look, man, it's a little more complicated than you think, all right? I can't really talk about it."

"I understand, you know," Steve says softly, "what it feels like to lose someone who's important to you."

"He's not gone," Clint mutters, getting up to refill his cup.

Steve throws an arm around his shoulders. "No, he's not. But he almost was, and that's worry enough on its own. We still don't know how things are looking, even, but I have faith that he'll pull through." To his surprise, Clint leans against him instead of pushing him away.

"He has to. He's made it through other unlikely scenarios. But I can't find anything out about what things are looking like right now. They aren't letting any of us in."

Suddenly, he gets an idea. "You think they'd really turn down Captain America?"

Clint laughs, then. "As much as Coulson idolizes that guy? I doubt it."


	7. Phil hires struggling actor Clark Gregg to be his double on an op. Hilarity with Clint ensues. Phil gets jealous.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [Mikey](http://archiveofourown.org/users/mikes_grrl/pseuds/Mikey).
> 
> Prompt: Phil hires struggling actor Clark Gregg to be his double on an op. Hilarity with Clint ensues. Maybe touch of jealous!Phil?

Up until the point that Clint meets this Clark Gregg guy, he's convinced that SHIELD hiring a double for Phil is the absolute worst idea ever. Then the guy turns around, and all Clint can do for a minute is stare. He's almost convinced that this guy _is_ Phil, that's how closely they resemble each other.

He steps forward and shakes the man's hand. "So, I'm guessing you're Clark?"

The guy – Clark – nods and returns the handshake with a firm grip. "Yes, I am. You must be Agent Barton."

"Clint is fine."

 

It doesn't take long for Clint to decide he likes this Clark guy. They get on just as easily as he usually does with Phil, and even when things look like they might be going to shit Clark keeps his cool. They manage to prevent catastrophe and get back to the task at hand.

Phil can see most of what's going on, and if he's totally honest with himself, he wishes he was out there with Clint. It's been a while since they've done an op together. After they get back and make it through debriefing, Phil stops them as they're leaving together. "Where are you going, Barton?"

Clint shrugs casually. "I told this guy I'd buy him a beer. He's pretty awesome."

 

One op turns into a few, and Phil watches as this weird friendship forms. On one hand, he's glad to see Clint actually being sociable, but on the other, he'd rather be the one going places with him. He's not about to tell anyone, though.

It's not until he stumbles upon them in Clint's quarters that he fully acknowledges his secret. He opens the door, a few files in hand, to see his doppelgänger mouthing Clint's neck. He must make a strangled noise, because the next thing he knows, Clint's eyes are wide and on him and he's pushing Clark away.

"You're dismissed, Mr. Gregg," Phil says evenly, surprised that his sudden surge of anger isn't coming through his words. He watches Clark grab his jacket and leave in a hurry, then stalks across the room to Clint. "What's all this about, then?"

"It's not—this sounds terrible, but it's not what it looks like?"

"Isn't it?" Phil presses his thumb into the bruise he can already see on Clint's neck and watches him squirm and bite back a soft noise.

"N-no, it's not." Clint's heart is pounding, and he swallows hard. He can't tell Phil that he didn't mean for that to get away from him, that he would rather it be Phil that he'd been doing these ops with. But Phil is crowding him against the wall, standing too close to not be able to tell.

"Then why don't you explain it to me?" Phil uses his calmest possible voice. Instead of letting him answer, he bites Clint's neck over the mark that's already there, determined to turn it into one of his own.

Clint groans and grinds his hips up against Phil's. He can barely focus on Phil's face when he leans back to examine the new bruise, but he's pretty sure Phil is smiling in a way that he's never seen before. When he finally thinks he has a breath, he says, "I just... wanted it to be you, sir."


	8. Phil makes a birthday wish and is suspicious of the timing when Clint gets all flirty and seductive the next day...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [Selenay](http://archiveofourown.org/users/selenay).
> 
> Prompt: Phil makes a birthday wish and is suspicious of the timing when Clint gets all flirty and seductive the next day...

Phil purposefully doesn't tell anyone when his birthday comes around, but someone – he suspects Hill – gets him a cake anyway. He finds it in his office, complete with lit candles and a note that says, 'happy birthday from your superiors'. He's pretty sure that's Hill's writing. He doesn't touch the cake until he calls her office and confirms, though, just to be safe.

Hill tells him that yes, she and Fury conspired to gift him with the cake, and he'd better eat at least a slice of it. He sighs and hangs up. It takes him a few minutes to come up with a wish, but once he does, he mutters it and blows out the candles. He takes the cake home and has a slice when he sits down to finish up the evening's paperwork. It's surprisingly good.

When he gets to his office the next morning, Clint is sitting on the couch, and there's a cup of coffee and a pastry on his desk. He gives the pastry, and then Clint, an odd look before he takes his seat. "What's this about?"

"I finished up all of those reports I owe you." Clint gets up and walks across the office to hand him an armful of folders. Phil thinks that he's shaking his ass as he walks, but he's not quite sure; either way, it's a bit distracting. And is that _eyeliner_ he sees?

"Are you sure you're feeling all right?" He takes the folders and sets them aside to look through later. He thinks he might be wrong, but he's pretty sure that Clint is wearing aftershave or something, too.

"Oh, I'm fine," Clint smiles and heads off to do his own work, pausing at the door and throwing a wink over his shoulder at Phil. "Enjoy your coffee, sir."

Phil starts reading through Clint's reports and takes a sip of his coffee, still suspicious. That suspicion only grows when the coffee and the reports are perfect. It doesn't get any better through the day, especially since he's pretty sure he's _not_ imagining Clint's ass-shaking walk now.

Clint stops by one last time as Phil is getting ready to go for the day, and Phil corners him. "What the hell are you doing, Barton?"

"What do you mean, sir?" Clint asks, and yes, he is _definitely_ wearing eyeliner.

"You're acting unusually suggestively today. Why?"

"I am?"

Phil fixes him with a stare. "Tell. Me. Why."

Clint sighs, dropping some of his swagger. "I kind of overheard your birthday wish yesterday and thought... I don't know, maybe I could help you out with it?"

It takes a few minutes for Phil to react, and then he laughs. Clint isn't sure what that means, or if it's even good. Then he pulls Clint forward with a hand on his neck. "Then come with me; you owe me dinner, to start."


	9. None of the Avengers know if [any ship] are together. They can't get a straight answer because the couple isn't sure either.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [tawg](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tawg).
> 
> Prompt: None of the Avengers know if [any ship] are together. They can't get a straight answer because the couple isn't sure either.

It's getting hard to ignore, really. There seems to be a lot of unusual activity within the Avengers and SHIELD lately: unusual visits from Asgard; even-more-cramped-than-usual movie nights; challenges to duels being thrown down over breakfast; and Fury doesn't seem to be as intimidating as normal.

They're all sitting around the kitchen table talking about how much they've still seen Pepper around even though she and Tony split up a few months back. Clint comes to the logical conclusion that she must be seeing someone else, since she's spending a lot of time not around Tony while she's there.

He volunteers Natasha to ask, but instead of getting an answer, she ends up going out for cocktails with Pepper and Sif. When she reports back at the end of the evening, the best she has for anyone is, "I'm pretty sure they're really into each other, but even they're not quite sure what's going on."

It gets worse when Darcy drunkenly confesses to Clint that she's pretty sure that she walked in on Thor and Tony in the bathroom a few days ago and now that image is burned into her retinas, and could someone _please_ tell them to lock the door if they're going to do that? He sighs and stages an intervention with Tony and Thor, who both seem to be really into denial about the whole thing.

Everyone thinks that JARVIS secretly has a thing about the Iron Man suit, especially when he carefully side-steps the question when Tony pointedly asks him about it. JARVIS gets irritated, as much as an AI can, when Tony takes out the new suits before everything has been tested and especially when he brings them back scratched or destroyed. They're not sure if JARVIS is just over-protective of all of the AI, or if it's something else, but there's no way to know for sure.

Steve is even more nervous around Natasha than Bruce is around Darcy, which tips them all off that something might be going on there, but Natasha doesn't kiss and tell. Clint can't get a direct answer, and he decides it's because she doesn't know, either. He's starting to think that the only ones of them who actually know their own personal relationship status are Phil and himself, and even that's not quite a sure thing. (Clint has been very patient, but he's almost to the point of showing up naked in Phil's office to get this thing rolling.)

Phil accidentally catches Director Fury and Agent Hill in what could be a compromising position, until he sees Hill flip Fury over her shoulder and onto the floor on his back. She offers a hand to pull him up, but he knocks her off her feet, and Phil leaves before he has the chance to see something he'll really regret.

Bruce takes Darcy a cup of tea one night when she's out on the balcony, staring out over everything. She kisses his cheek, and he stays out there with her, one arm resting loosely around her. Thor gets a misty look in his eyes when he sees them, and he can't bring himself to interrupt their moment to ask if this is official.

Clint is pretty sure they've all finally admitted to themselves and each other who's involved with who by the time he finally pushes enough buttons to find himself bent over the desk in Coulson's quarters in the tower.

He can't say he regrets going the long way around.


	10. Tony decides to mess with Phil by behaving. He doesn't realise that, within SHIELD, that's a form of flirting.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [tawg](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tawg).
> 
> Prompt: Tony decides to mess with Phil by behaving. He doesn't realise that, within SHIELD, that's a form of flirting.

He decides it'll be funny to make Coulson wonder why he's had a sudden change of heart. Like switching the coffee to decaf until everyone gets used to it, and then replacing that with espresso. He starts paying attentions during briefings, and filling out his own reports, and even doesn't take out the suit unnecessarily for a while.

It works stunningly until he shows up in Coulson's office one day and finds himself in full-body contact with both Coulson and the wall. "Uh... what's going on?"

Coulson just smiles ever so slightly. "You know, if you really wanted to do this, you could have just told me. Clint and I have an arrangement. You didn't have to try to be subtle."

"Do what? What? You and Barton? I really did not need to know that you two are—an _arrangement_ , you say?" Tony finds himself suddenly more interested in what might be going on, especially since he's getting first-hand experience of exactly how ripped Coulson is under that suit.

"Have you cleared this with Pepper?"

"Cleared... this?"

Coulson is already on the phone by the time the words finish coming out of Tony's mouth, still pressing him against the wall. "Hello, Pepper? Hi, this is Phil... Clint's doing great. He said to thank you again for that tip you gave him. Listen, is it all right with you if I borrow Tony for a few hours? He's been doing the office seduction thing. Do you want to talk to him? I've got him right here." He holds the phone out so Tony can speak with Pepper. "She wants to talk to you."

"Hey, Pepper. Do you know what's going on?"

She laughs. "Why didn't you tell me you were interested in Phil? It really doesn't take so much flirting to get through to him, you know."

"Pepper, I wasn't even aware that I _was_ flirting. But yeah, now that you mention it... I am kind of interested."

"Good. Report back later." She hangs up, and leaves Tony trying to stare down Phil.

 

He's pretty sure he understands at least part of what Clint sees in Coulson by the time he goes home, sore in places he hasn't thought about in years.


	11. Phil and Thor hang out and swap battle stories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [tawg](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tawg).
> 
> Prompt: Phil and Thor, hanging out, swapping battle stories

It's really hard to convince Thor that Phil isn't some sort of demi-god after he turns out to not be dead after the Loki attack. Thor insists that the Son of Coul come out for drinks with him once he's out of hospital and medically permitted to return to regular duties. Fury is making him take all of his piled-up vacation days, though, and he doesn't have a lot to do.

So he agrees to have a few with Thor, and everyone else comes with them. By the end of the night, Bruce has been long gone, presumably go to meditate or something, and nearly everyone else is in various stages of drunkenness or unconsciousness around the living room. Natasha is leaning on the arm of the chair, attempting to listen raptly while Thor regales Phil with stories of his conquests before he came to Midgard.

Since Phil can't keep up with Thor beer-for-beer, he keeps up with him story-for-story. Most of his are incredibly vague because no one else has high enough clearance for the unaltered versions, but apparently it's still good enough for Thor.

He tells Thor about Budapest, and Natasha giggles. "That's not how I remember Budapest."

Phil spares her a glance. "I'm pretty sure both you and Barton were too busy recovering from severe alcohol poisoning to remember much of Budapest."


	12. It rains whenever Thor gets angry. Avengers to the rescue!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [tawg](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tawg).
> 
> Prompt: It rains whenever Thor gets angry. Avengers to the rescue!

It takes almost no time for the storms to get really annoying. Everyone wants to send Thor to anger management classes, but Phil points out that not only would that never work, but they don't have the resources to provide psychiatric assistance to gods or demigods yet. So Bruce tries to teach Thor to meditate, to no avail.

Eventually, they all make a trip back to Asgard to find out from his family and friends how to deal with these moods... and still come up with nothing.

Pepper shocks them all by suggesting they have a few Asgard-style parties, see if bringing some of Thor's traditions here will help with his moods. "Throw a few parties, roast some animals over spits, have a couple of orgies, I don't know."

They all turn and give her their best open-mouthed stares. "What?"

"It's just a thought."

"NO."

"I'll bring Dr. Foster up here," Tony says. "That should help, right?"

It takes a while, but Tony's suggestion actually works.


	13. Pepper won't let Clint keep Pizza Dog in the tower because she has allergies. How does Clint get around this?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [tawg](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tawg).
> 
> Prompt: Pepper won't let Clint keep Pizza Dog in the tower because she has allergies. How does Clint get around this?
> 
> And then, after tawg gave me this prompt, [someone had to butt in](https://twitter.com/Pizza_Dog/status/263659888499109888).

"He can't stay here!"

"I can't just throw him out!"

"Well, I can't have him running around the tower!"

"I'll figure something out, all right? He'll only leave my room to go outside until I solve it."

"Three days, Clint. That's all you get."

Later, Natasha finds Clint sitting in the living room, looking exceptionally put out. "What did you do this time?" she asks, sitting down beside him.

"I didn't do anything! Pepper says I can't keep the dog. She has _allergies_."

"Clint, you ass, she does have allergies."

"I don't think he'll stand for stupidly frequent baths. I only have three days to figure it out. What am I going to do?"

She just shakes her head and smiles. "Not fixing this one for you."

 

Pepper's shouts bring everyone running at the end of those three days. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

"You said you were allergic to dogs because of their fur! No fur, no allergies!" Clint lets go of the dog, and the dog runs out into the hallway. Phil is the only one who doesn't burst out laughing at the sight of the shaved dog. "It's naked dog time!"


	14. Doodling on reports!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [tawg](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tawg).
> 
> Prompt: Doodling on reports!

He'll never admit it, but he doesn't mind re-writing all of the mission reports as he tells Barton he does. They aren't very succinct, and they wander around the important details a lot. Phil inevitably enjoys reading them, though: Hawkeye is a very good storyteller.

Phil would turn around and submit them directly to Fury, even if the reports are a bit flowery, but he can't. The frequency of profanity and tense-changing isn't ideal but fairly easy to work around. However, what really kills Agent Barton's written reports are the illustrations.

Every operation, every tiny assignment, Phil doesn't think he's ever seen a single report come back from Barton that doesn't have at least one tiny doodle somewhere on the page.

After he re-writes the reports to be officially filed, he doesn't destroy them like he knows he should. He has a secret file in his desk of the originals; he likes to think of these reports as Barton's story.


	15. And what did the minions get up to during the hurricane?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [tawg](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tawg).
> 
> Prompt: And what did the minions get up to during the hurricane?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this one (and the last prompt I'll be posting this round) is inspired by the events of tawg's 'Hail Hydra' and the Twitter accounts of Dr. Coulson's minion and a SHIELD ballistics tech. I recommend further reading because 'Hail Hydra' is pretty fucking awesome. So, go read it! (And, if you're so inclined, take a look at those stupid twitters. Really, they should both be fired. Tweeting on the clock.)
> 
> Hail Hydra: <http://archiveofourown.org/works/472785/chapters/818183>  
> @[not_SHIELD](https://twitter.com/not_SHIELD)  
> @[not_Hydra](https://twitter.com/not_Hydra)
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I do apologise for how short this one is. There will be further minion!fic later.

You don't want to know.


	16. What if Pepper likes the idea of watching Tony blow a guy and she has a signal to let Tony know who her eye is on (omg Phil)?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [tawg](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tawg).
> 
> Prompt: What if Pepper likes the idea of watching Tony blow a guy and she has a signal to let Tony know who her eye is on (omg Phil)?

"Pepper, no."

"Why not?" She smiles sweetly at him.

"The guy just took a—a stab to the heart for the team! Do you really think he'd want a 'welcome back' gift of a—? No, you're absolutely right, that is pretty brilliant. Could I get one, too?"

"Don't push your luck, Tony."

"What if he says no?"

She lifts a shoulder. "I'll find someone else. Now go ask him."

They walk into Coulson's office, somehow not surprised to see him sitting at his desk, doing paperwork. Tony clears his throat, and Pepper shuts the door. "Coulson! Phil. Good to see you back at work. Weren't you supposed to be taking some time off?"

Coulson sets his pen down and looks up at them. "If some of you would ever be bothered to fill out your incident reports correctly, I might be taking some time off."

"That is a lie. I'm not sure you even know what 'time off' is."

"Tony!"

"Sorry, Pepper." He turns back to Coulson. "So, as I was saying. We thought we'd offer you congratulatory sex, since you went up against Loki and didn't die."

"I'm not cleared for strenuous activity, Stark."

"Dude, it's not strenuous activity. Pepper just likes to watch while I... you know."

Coulson just raises an eyebrow, and waits a long moment before answering. "Well, I suppose I could do some of these reports on the couch."


	17. Steve gets his hand stuck in a can of Pringles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt also from [tawg](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tawg).
> 
> Prompt: Steve gets his hand stuck in a can of Pringles

Steve has tried a lot of food since he woke up, but those crisps in a can are some of his favourites. They come in so many different flavours! Some of them aren't very good, but he really likes the 'ranch dressing' ones.

The only problem is, that can is so tiny and his hands are... well, not. And he can't reach the bottom few crisps, and then they have to assemble, and Captain America looks really stupid fighting the forces of evil with a can of ranch dressing flavoured crisps stuck on one hand.

He tries to hide it behind his shield or something, and at some point the bottom of the can breaks and crisps go flying everywhere. Clint notices and as soon as they've taken care of the problem, he's doubled over laughing. (Steve's pretty sure he sees tears in Clint's eyes. He doesn't think it's _that_ funny.)

Steve asks Bruce for help once he re-joins the rest of the team; he's pretty sure that the doctor is the only one who won't make fun of him later for it. Bruce smiles like he wants to laugh, but he just gets a pair of scissors and cuts the remains of the battered cardboard tube off of Steve's hand and wrist.

"Next time, try dumping some of them out onto a napkin," he suggests.


	18. Telling Agent C why @not_Hydra has been coming home late

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This prompt from [tawg](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tawg).
> 
> Prompt: Telling Agent C why @not_Hydra has been coming home late

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More minion!fic!
> 
> Once again, while not entirely necessary, for clearest reference, I recommend reading [Hail Hydra](http://archiveofourown.org/works/472785/chapters/818183) (because it is awesome) and checking out the twitter accounts of @[not_SHIELD](https://twitter.com/not_SHIELD) and @[not_Hydra](https://twitter.com/not_Hydra) (worth reading, if only for the lulz).

"And why does the coffee taste like you made a pot of coffee and then used that as the water for another pot of coffee?"

"That's not a bad idea, now that you mention it..." Xe trails off, considering, and adjusts xyr gloves before continuing. "It's just a little bit extra strong."

"You've been sneaking out and not getting home until far too late to get a reasonable amount of sleep, haven't you?"

That earns him a pointed look. "Seriously, Dr. C, how do you know everything I'm doing? I know you didn't implant anything because I've checked. Yes, I know it's not a very good use of resources, but they keep giving you the shaft on shit we need, and you're not going to stick it to the man, so I figure I can do it for you."

"I really did not need to know that." Phil resists the urge to rub his temples. He can feel the promise of a headache looming.

His tech pulls off xyr gloves and retreats to the cabinet in the corner. Xe returns shortly with a cup of fresh coffee and a couple of small white tablets. "Here, sir. It's normal coffee, not extra-strong-for-the-morning coffee. Why are you staring at me I'm not to be trusted? _You're_ the one who hired _me_."

"I seem to recall the other two candidates mysteriously turning up injured or dead shortly before I hired you." He takes the pills anyway; the coffee is, as promised, normal coffee. Xe must have made a fresh pot since this morning, he muses.

Xe waves xyr hand dismissively. "Those were unrelated incidents."

Phil pretends he didn't hear that. If he's honest with himself, this tech has turned out to be an unexpectedly good choice. That's not really the surprising part, but if he admits to having heard anything that could connect xem with those incidents, he'll lose xem. He's not sure he'll be able to find another minion willing to stick around for at least five or six years without losing any enthusiasm for xyr job, and he doesn't really have the spare time to even look. "Who have you been sneaking out to see, Riagán?"

"No one—xe works for SHIELD," xe mumbles, in the end. "It kind of happened by accident, really."

It takes all he has to not do something drastic. "Someone who works for SHIELD. Doing what, exactly? How does this happen 'by accident'."

"Ballistics!" Xe brightens. "We started talking after I posted that one picture with Stevie... you know. It's a surprisingly popular picture. I swear I'm not sharing any of your secrets. We kind of avoid talking about work unless we have to. Mixing professional and personal lives gets distracting."

Phil presses his lips into a tight smile. "I'm sure it can be. How is that working out for you, anyway?" (He doesn't mind their occasional moments of chatter, as long as they're getting work done.)

"Well. Um."

"That well?"

"You know how Steven kind of stares at Bucky from a distance before he pounces? Yeah, it's kind of like that, but with cupcakes."

"... You do realise you're romantically hopeless, don't you?"

"Yeah, I kind of had that figured out."


	19. Addendum: And what did the minions get up to during the hurricane? -- the *actual* story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, there was this one prompt, and it got a micro-fill because I couldn't help myself.
> 
> Here's what really happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (And, for the third time, a friendly reminder to give [Hail Hydra](http://archiveofourown.org/works/472785/chapters/818183) a read and, if you're inclined, check out the minion twitters: @[not_SHIELD](https://twitter.com/not_SHIELD) and @[not_Hydra](https://twitter.com/not_Hydra))

not_Hydra has just finished frosting the cupcakes when not_SHIELD arrives. With Dr. C in custody, not_Hydra doesn't have tonnes to do besides taking care of the bunnies, and xe has been talking with not_SHIELD a bit more than usual. If xe's honest, the cupcakes are xyr way of getting not_SHIELD to divulge certain work-inappropriate thoughts. Xe hopes that the four dozen xe made will be enough.

not_Hydra is getting suspicious that Dr. C might be defecting to SHIELD, which makes the job transition a point of concern. Xe hasn't been in Hydra's good graces since xe became Dr. C's minion a number of years ago, so xe figures xe has to go with him if he changes sides. The trouble there is the strict fraternisation policy. And, you know, the B&E thing when Dr. C told xem to be careful about the bunnies. (Like xe doesn't know to do that.) And, well, since that one job with the crazy alien guy in the travelling blue box, this is the best gig xe has had for years, and xe really doesn't want to lose this one.

 

not_SHIELD eats almost all of the cupcakes. not_Hydra isn't really surprised. They wind up in a fort made of not_Hydra's million pillows with the bowl of leftover icing, all set to weather the storm. not_Hydra pushes one of the pillows out the side of the fort so they'll have a window to watch a film or something, if they're so inclined.

They aren't so inclined.

not_Hydra doesn't even steal all of the covers this time. Xe does get up to a bit of no good, but it's partly not_SHIELD's idea, too. They use the rest of the icing from the bowl, put on a spooky film, and pass out in cupcake comas for a few hours, cuddled up together.

In the morning, not_Hydra makes breakfast and convinces not_SHIELD to destroy part of the pillow fort so they can eat it in bed.


End file.
